If I juz realized …….

I’ve got less than 2months more ….. Wat am I thinkin?? I dunno!! I dun feel excited. Am I supposed to be feelin excited?? I’m slowly breakin the news to my friends. Finally this week when I’ve booked the flight ticket that I was ready to tell others the truth ….. For almost 6months I’ve been keepin this frm everyone else ….. eg. my relatives, my friends. Not becoz I was bein mysterious. But the main part was that I wasnt ready …… Even though I’ve told my parents bout it early this year, it was a DISASTER followed by my horrible results followed by dad havin so much of his money invested in shoplots leavin minimal funds for our education.

That’s becoz I backed out frm his plan …… He wanted me to do Form6. He wanted me to study law. He wanted me to enroll in the local law school. He wanted me to be a lawyer. He had it all planned out. But I ruined his plan after the 1st stage. =( After Form5, I thought I could continue to pursue and study wat I wanted but that wasnt an option. I am still under his control as long as I’s still livin under his roof. I wasnt mentally and emotionally matured to do anythin back then but to obey his everythin. But deep down, I know I’m fightin myself. At 1st, I tried to brainwash myself that this was wat I wanna do. But gradually when I start thinkin bout the future …… It scares me to know that I’ll forever be under dad’s control …… Got no say in anything! That I’m useless and helpless to stand up and help myself or even think for myself! *sigh …… The worst thing for me was the thought that I couldnt be myself …… I must forever be the person he wanted me to be. :’(

So slowly, thoughts like this started to prompt me to take action. I start seekin other alternatives; a way out. The alternatives which I never would have considered before as I’ve alwaz brushed it off as fantasies. Besides, disobeyin and goin against dad’s will was juz outta the question!!

I prayed hard for it and altho it was a slow and painful process. God lead me through till the very end. It tested how passionate I was bout this, my determination, my perseverance ….. the E, S and M (emotionally, spiritually and mentally) …… Everythin …… =(

It was an uphill journey, goin against the current. All was against me, it all seem so new, so uncertain, so risky, so …… far ……. More of a fantasy like I’ve told ya. Most ppl think I’m Nuts! My friends think I dream too much! So I decided to shut my mouth till the day I’m certain; the day my flight ticket was bought. So here I am ……

I guess there were juz so many negative feedbacks and obstacles around me that it put me down, feelin very very down. But ironically, deep down I know that I have not given up hope. Nor did I have any back up plan.

So maybe when suddenly towards the end, everythin turned out good and I begin to see the reality of this takin place, I was(and still am) dazed and have not fully accept the fact that it’s comin true.

When I broke the news to San, she kept sayin it’s a call for a celebration! Maybe San’s right, my excitement will probably arrive when that ‘day’ comes …… I dunno.
I’m yet to break the news to Reg. Others would have thought that Reg would be one of the 1st to know bout this. *sigh …… I juz don’t have the heart to tell her ….. Sometimes when we planned to meet up and I ended up couldnt make it. She would exclaimed it in her cheerful tone sayin, "Don’t worry la ….. It’s not like we’re not gonna meet each other ever again! It’s not like you’re leavin the country or somethin!" Ouch!! =( So I kept quiet till now ……..

Well, guess sooner or later I gotta sink this into my thick head that I’m leavin. Mum made me realized it juz now …… She was mad at me for some stuff then she blurted out that I was leavin and that I don’t understand how she felt …….
I cant even understand wat I’m feelin now myself!! Am I gonna leave my family? Am I gonna leave my friends? My relatives? My beloved pets? My home? Leave Malaysia? I’ve never stayed away frm home for more than a week for camp!! =O

All this time I thought it was takin forever and juz might not come true but now ….. Things are juz hitting me back into reality! I cant think of anythin right now ……. All I wanna do is cry …….I dunno why but I wanna cry to my heart’s content till Ifall asleep …… :’( Maybe till then when I wake up, I’ll feel much better …….

AWESOME NITE !!!! ;)

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Well ….. It’s been a long time!!! =P I’ve wanting to update U guys a long time ago ….. *sigh ….. Guess I juz couldnt find the time. Gotta adjust to my new lifestyle now!! Eat work! Sleep work! And DREAM Work!! Yea, I know ….. HECTIC!!! U wouldnt imagine wat time I’d reached home! *lol

Oh anyway, that wasnt wat I wanted to tell U guys!! =D Me wanna share with ya bout ….. PLANET SHAKERS’ CONCERT!!!! Haha! =D It was on the 12th of April(Saturday). It was the 1st time Planet Shakers came to our church(FGA, KL). Was so surprised to meet many of my old friends and cousins there!! =P So good to see U guys!! ^^ Wish I had more time and that it wasnt so crowded, then I could have catch up with y’all.

In ONE Word to describe that nite was that it was PACKED!! So so PACKED!! In all my life, been to many christian concerts but this is my 1st time seeing my church so FULL of ppl. Not FULL but OVERFLOWING!!! I could hardly move two steps!! =O

The concert was scheduled at 8pm and the door to the sanctuary will only be open at 7pm. I’d arrived at bout 6.30pm and it was already JAM PACKED with homo sapiens!! *LOL  I was stuck in the middle of the crowd!! Plus I was told, there were almost 3000 ppl that came for the concert!! More than 600 ppl were in the overflow that they had no choice but to go to the other building to watch the projection!! *lol This is seriously MADNESS!! =D

Nevertheless, thank God I’ve got a seat. My friends who’d came after 7.30pm had no choice but to sit on the carpeted floor at the sidewalks! =D As U can see, every space, every inch was occupied by humans. My siblings were so NUTS that they even gave up their seats to join the crowd in front!! =D I and my friends were sorta at the back rows but it was already so LOUD!! I cant imagine how much louder it is in front!! =O Sis even said she could feel her heartbeat according to the drum!! Gosh!!

But the most amazing thing was ….. Reg said how she wish Planet Shakers would play the song ‘Jump Around’ ….. AND GUESS WAT?? =P They did play that song at the end followed by ‘Majesty’!!! =D We were so thrilled!! ^^ Despite that, the crowd was still chanting ‘We want more’ to the band!! Haha! They looked so Exhausted but they finally gave in and played us another song ‘Free(frm their new album)’!! =D

~*CHORUS*~
"Everybody Jump Around in the House of God!
Hey! Hey! Jump Around!
Everybody Jump Around in the House of God!
Everybody ……
When I Say Jesus, You Say Praise Him!
JESUS! PRAISE HIM!
JESUS! PRAISE HIM!"

Well, no doubt we all had fun ….. But I constantly remind myself that the reason I came ….. was not to have fun but worship my God. It’s all about Jesus!! ^^ Because of His love for me AND because …… I Love Him too!! =D

Hey !! Here’s some pics frm the concert my friend Diane Lee took!! =P Well here’s her webpage in case U wanna view more. http://drummergirl4jc.blogspot.com or http://flickr.com/photos/deariediane. ^^ Thanks gurl !! Very cool pics U got there!! =P

 

PS. Wat’s next? =) Oh ya!! Hillsong United’s coming soon!!!! On the 28th May, 6pm - 11pm @ Glad Tidings, PJ!! YAY!! =D Hopefully I’ll be able to make it!! Hehe!

Miss U ……. :(

 

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I never thought I’d miss U so much!! =( When U left 2months ago …. Somehow in the back of my mind, I made myself believed that U’d come back. Besides, U alwaz do! But this is the longest time U’ve ever left home!! Altho sometimes we do see U ard wandering outside …. U nvr wanna come back when we call …. =( *sobs Why??  Dun U know that I love U so very very much!! =( I tried to move on pretending that I dun miss ya. But the fact is I do miss U a lot!! =( I miss playin with ya …. I miss sleepin with ya. I miss disturbin U or juz watchin U sleepin. I miss cuddlin U. I miss everything bout U …. *sobs U were my great companion! My teddy bear to hug when Im sad and down …. U cheered me up all the time ….

 

 

But this time …. I realized myself that no one could ever replace U in my heart …. =( Yesterday, mum, dad got a ‘new’ cat …. Sis tricked me sayin U came back already. I was so happy, I started hugging
the cat(watever
its name is). But then soon I realized it wasnt U ….. =( Then I couldnt contain my tears ….. How could they lie to me?? They may love this ‘new’ cat and forget bout U. But I’ll always remember U, Kitty …. No one could ever replace ‘Kitty’ …. *sobs Eventho the new cat does look a lot like U but …. *sigh …. I’ll still love U, Kitty …. And I do seriously miss U …. :’( Plz come back, Kitty …. plz ….. *sobs =(

Goodbye …….

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It’s been more than a month now since I left ‘La Salle, PJ’ …. End of Form6, end of high skool life, end of ‘white/blue’ uniform, end of assembly, Negaraku and etc ….. I dunno if I should be happy or otherwise ….. *sigh

But somehow there’s this feeling of ‘emptiness’ in me. Usually Ive got lotsa things to look forward to, lotsa stuff to tell. But now, everything seems to slow down ….. somewhat ’stagnant’ ….. *sigh Am so not use to it. =( 

 

I constantly search for things or events I can anticipate but that  rarely happens ….. =( Well, life goes on.  Things change, situation change, friends change …..

 

I still cant believe Im outta high skool!!! =O Every time I see those who’re in uniform. I longed to have that ’sense of belonging’ again ….. *sigh ….. =( Maybe I juz need some time to get use to it. To step fully into the ‘Adult World’. Gosh! Can U believe Im turning ‘Twenty’ this year??!! =O With the number ‘2′ in front!!! No more being called a ‘teen’ …..

WOW!! *Blink blink! Someone slap me back to reality!! *AHEM! Nevertheless, mine U, Im still young! In age and at heart!! =D But the more I think bout the ‘adult life’, altho Im thrilled and excited but not denying, there’s this part of me whose afraid to step in. Somehow I had a feeling it’s gonna rob away my happiness. =( I dun wanna be ‘lost’ in this world. To be molded and conformed to be like the ‘them’. *sigh =(

Well, No turning back ….. This is it!! Look forward, Move ahead! No more dwelling in the past ….. =)

*SIGH …… I wish it was that easy …… =(

He is …….

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I dun really know wat 2 do …. So I thought maybe I’ll share it with U guys …. =)

Well, wat’s playin in my head …. I never thought it’ll bother me much but …. it did …. =( He was this quiet, thin, little boy. The only child in the family. Stays with his grandpa, parents and a maid. Never take much notice of him coz I hardly see him. Lives a few houses away, opposite my hse. Talked to him occasionally. Find him ‘cute’! ^^ With big eyes & tanned skin colour. He speaks fluent Malay(spends most of his time with the maid) and English. ^^ Despite that, sometimes I hear him cry. But was too self absorbed to find out. Juz brushed it off as another cranky, nuisance kid.

I know that’s pretty mean of me, but my next door neighbour’s kids screamed & cries at the top of their lungs for no apparent reason!! Bunch of ’spoil brats’!!

But 1 day, something happened that changed my mind bout him. I remembered it was almost 8pm when my bro came in2 my room tellin me that a little boy has gone ‘missing’! I thought it was some kinda joke but went to check it out anyway.

The maid was standin outside the hse with a few of my neighbours. Lookin confused & paniced, she was almost in tears when she relate the story to me. She was supposed to bring him to the playground during the day but she changed her mind. Little boy cried & begged her to take him there. While she was bathing, he took the keys & opened the door. As the front gate was padlocked. He climbed to the vacant hse next door & left thru the unlock gate. The maid searched high & low for him but to no avail.

Securities were informed. The maid even went to the playground to look for him. I took my bicycle went cycling ard knockin on each neighbour’s door askin if they’ve seen him. After bout 10hses, 2 of them said they saw him walkin alone but had no idea where he was headin to. Gosh! How can U see a young child walkin alone to somewhere but not do anythin??! *sigh …. =(

That night as I joined them searchin for him, I gotta know his name ….. ‘Titus’. I cycled in the dark, callin his name, prayin he’s safe and we’ll find him ASAP! It was startin to drizzle then. I couldnt help imagining a cold, scared little boy hiding in a corner.

After more than an hour of searchin, a lady in a distance walkin with ….. ‘Titus’!! She introduced herself as Titus’s friend’s mum. Accordin to her, Titus walked to her hse to play with her son, Calvin. She was gonna send him home but he insisted he was given the permission by his parents that he could play at her hse. How smart of him, isnt it?? =D Altho it’s lying but ….. Haha! =P

Well, as long as he’s safe …. then I saw some ‘cane marks’ on his arms. When I asked him how he got it, he gave me a faint smile & ran to his maid. His maid explained that he was being canned by his dad yesterday. She added, "He even replied it’s not pain’ to his dad without any tears!! =O At this very young age, he was able to take it like a man!! Im amazed!! =)

In the end of all this, I dun blame Titus …. Clearly he was juz ‘lonely’ …. Being the only child is boring! =( Once I saw him cryin , sittin on the floor behind his gate. In between sobs I heard him sayin "Saya tak ada kawan’ …. I feel for him …. =( Lookin at him frm my hse, Titus must have thought he’s been kept in a cage or something. He longed to to go outside & play with his friends. He refused to even eat when his maid tried to feed him. *sigh …..

Without much hesitation, I walked towards his hse and called out to him. Invited him to my hse, I offered to feed him his dinner. The half an hour he spent with me was juz wonderful! ^^ He finished his food in juz a few minutes!! =D His maid said usually he takes almost an hour! While watchin SpongeBob SquarePants, seeing him gigglin and smilin makes me happy. He told me bout his friends and his mum being very fierce to him. =) I told him, ‘U dun havta cry …. U can alwaz come to my hse & play …. Since then, he calls me ‘jie jie’. Even calls out to me frm his hse. Imagine that!! His voice must have been heard a few blocks away! =D Haha! Once he was callin me crying, saying he was not allowed to watch ‘Mr. Bean’(the VCD I’ve lent him) by his mum coz he hasnt finished his homework …. =)

Well, after a few minutes of comfortin & persuadin him. He stopped crying & agree to finish his homework 1st! ^^ I find him talented, smart & gifted in many ways. I hope his parents cherished him. He’s a brave and a very active little lad!! ^^ I adore that little boy ….. =D